Zero

Man, I’m crashing fast. I’m not really prone to bouts of depression, but I’ve been wanting to cry a lot today. Of course, I don’t actually *cry*… I’m not a *pussy* {grin}, but I still have a lot of dark thoughts throughout the whole day.

I tried therapy a few years ago for a bit but it didn’t seem to help much. I’ve never tried drugs, legal or illegal. Self-destructive behavior sounds kind of fun – it has a bad rap in my opinion. If I do terrible things to myself, at least it will feel a little bit as if I’m in a kinky S&M relationship, and I’ll get some sexual satisfaction out of that.

So, some self-denial might be in order. I’m going to try not going out, not eating, and not jacking off for a while, and see how that goes. I’ve been reading a lot of poetry lately. I’m wondering if a zen state of “nothingness” might help. Ommmm…

Fruit on the Bottom

So, when I first came out as a gay man at the age of 23, I wanted to be a good boy and to “clean out” before my first play session with another guy. This was before the internet, but I owned a book that mentioned enemas. They also said that yogurt was good after the enema to replenish the internal flora that get washed away by the water.

However, I didn’t understand that the yogurt was supposed to be *eaten*.

Instead, I got on all fours and upended the Yoplait container into my butt. I forget what kind of yogurt it was, but I remember it had big pieces of fruit. When the top checked out my ass later in the evening, he almost passed out at the thick milky discharge that was coming out. True story… embarrassing.